Give Me Education or Give Me Death

Recently, my good friend, Abigail, and I were having an in-depth discussion about the relationship between education, economics, and health. These three are all intertwined and as I go on in this piece, I’ll give full details of how they’re all related. Abigail just graduated with her Master’s Degree in Health, Exercise Science, and Recreation Management from the University of Mississippi (Congrats Abz!!), so she knows more than me in the health part. But everything else comes from pure observation. So I’m gonna call this piece, “Give Me Education, or Give Me Death”.
First I’ll discuss the tie between health and economics. You ever notice how much more expensive it is to buy fresh fruit than it is to buy a candy bar? I would often wonder that question aloud to no one in particular. One day while I was in the grocery store, a wise woman overheard me and gave a fitting response. She said, “Because junk is cheap.” And then it all made sense. For whatever reason, even when you’re buying a generic brand, most (if not all) foods that are healthy for you are significantly more expensive than those foods that you really don’t need. So as a result, those of us who are living on a budget are more likely to buy Ramen noodles (WAY too much starch and cholesterol) and Spam (YUCK) in bulk that will last us for a month, for the same price as we would pay for lean cut meat and fresh fruits and vegetables that will last us a week at best. And the foods that should serve as periodic indulgences (such as candy, cookies, cakes, potato chips, etc) become part of our every day diet, which leads to long term health problems such as diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, etc. So even if we WANTED to eat healthier, most of us can’t afford to. This is a problem.
Now is the tie between education and economics. I’m well aware of the counter argument that people spend huge amounts of money on other things that they really don’t need (such as expensive clothes) and if they were so concerned about their health, they’d splurge on healthier dieting. That’s true. But how many people have been properly educated on what a healthy diet is? For that matter, how many people are educated enough to have jobs that pay well enough for them to afford these overpriced healthy foods?
Mississippi and Alabama (Abigail’s and my states, respectively) are very near the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to education. They’re two of the worst public education systems in the country (check the statistics for yourself). Which ties right into…
The tie between education and health: Not so surprisingly, while Mississippi and Alabama are scraping the barrel bottom in education, we’re the cream of the crop when it comes to obesity. I’m a complete adversary of making generalizations and blanket statements, but the numbers don’t lie. For the past few years that this study has been done, Alabama and Mississippi are near the top. So what does one have to do with the other? I’m so glad you asked, because that question leads me to the tie between all three.
The poor education systems in these two Dixie states are a direct link to the high poverty levels. One doesn’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that in today’s society, it is incredibly difficult to advance in any field without sufficient education. Little to no wages leaves the impoverished at a disadvantage as they’re not eating for long term health. They’re eating to survive from day to day. When you’re eating just so you won’t starve to death, it doesn’t matter what you’re eating. And in most cases, they have to eat the cheapest thing(s) they can find. So they get fried and processed foods. That leads directly to health problems of all sorts, with obesity being the primary one. And obesity leads to low self-esteem and all sorts of other health issues that I can’t even begin to get into because I don’t have all the details. But I WILL close with this…
It is imperative that we do a better job of educating ourselves and our children on the importance of proper dieting and exercise. Not only that, but we should also make better efforts to manage our income more sufficiently (i.e. spend frugally, open mutual funds, invest in real estate, etc.) to prevent falling victim to this plague of poverty that leads to all of the aforementioned problems. In any event, I beg you to just EDUCATE YOURSELF. And when you do, put it into action, because as old SOUTHern women like to say, “If you know better, you’re supposed to do better”. Give yourself education, or give yourself death.

The Top-Down Theory

Here’s my latest installment of my relationship advice to couples. I’ve been studying for the past 5 years to be an engineer which is why theoretical stuff makes sense to me. I’d like to think that there’s a reason for everything. So I’ve finally put into words a theory that I’ve had for several years now. This theory has been developed through my own experiences in faulty relationships as well as the experiences of others who’ve thought enough of me to confide in me. This theory shall be called the “Top-Down Theory”.
Now most theories (and theorems) seem incredibly simple once you think about them, but their truths are pretty powerful. This one is no different. The whole concept of it is based on simple human anatomy. These next words you read are my attempt to fully explain my “Top-Down Theory”, but keep in mind that like all theories, this theory has a very rate of high accuracy, but there are special cases where it doesn’t apply. So without any further ado, here is my “Top-Down Theory”.

This theory consists of 4 areas of the body. Here they are in their respective order: the head, the eyes, the heart, and the genital region.
According to my theory, this is the order in which all solid, lasting relationships must be formed, and if the final step comes anywhere but last, the relationship is destined to fail. You must start from the top and go down; thus the name “Top-Down Theory”.

Let’s start with the head. This is the time when two people meet, and they get to know one another. One thing that one must avoid though is falling for the other person’s representative (which will be the topic of my next discussion). Many times the person that you first meet isn’t the same person that you see 8 months from then. So it’s wise to give that person a good amount of time to reveal their true self to you. By that time, you should know whether or not you two actually have things in common.

Once this is established, the next step in the sequence is the eyes. This is the time when you two make sure that you see eye to eye on things. For instance, it is important to have a crystal clear understanding of what both parties are looking for from the relationship. Because you’d hate to have one person looking for a spouse and the other person is only seeking a quick fling or casual date.

Once the two people see eye to eye, it’s now time for the heart to come into play. If it’s been decided that a long-term relationship is being sought by both parties, it’s okay to slowly (and I stress slowly) open up your heart. On the other hand, if you two came to a conclusion that a serious relationship was not what you wanted, now is the time to make sure that your heart doesn’t get caught up in it. You have to protect yourself. (By the way, anything other than two definite YES’s when it comes to seeking a serious relationship is a NO. If you get one definite YES and one “maybe possibly down the road” then that’s a definite NO. The only way you allow your feelings to get in it is if you have a DEFINITE agreement on what it is that you both want).

And the final step is pretty intuitive. This is where the genital regions come into play. This is a two-part process. The first step calls for you both making perfectly sure that you’re (to use a line from “She’s Your Queen to Be” on Coming to America) “completely free from infection”. If one comes up as an undesirable, then you’ve got some decisions to make. Do you go back to the head and figure out what you want to do or do you resort back to the heart step and go with your feelings? That’s on you. But remember that it’s YOUR health.
But in a best case scenario when everybody comes up clean, by all means, HAVE AT IT. And just doing it isn’t good enough. You have to make sure that it’s good. So make it a point to come to an agreement on what is and isn’t allowed. For example, if you’re a man who likes to get rough, you better make sure your girl is alright with you slapping her backside before you do it. Otherwise, you may get smacked back. By the same token, if you’re a woman that’s into domination, don’t crack out the whips until you know it’s alright with your man.
Making love is an adult act, so the two people should be grown-up enough to talk about it openly with one another. Don’t EVER think that your love is so strong that it can overcome bad or average sex. Don’t EVER think that. And make sure you come to some kind of compromise with each other, because PLEASE BELIEVE that what you’re not willing to do, someone else is. And that temptation is ALWAYS there. So the genital region shouldn’t be seen as a final destination, but rather the completion of a project that requires continuous improvement (that’s the engineer in me talking). Once you get to that point, you have to make sure that you continually find ways to improve all of the steps if necessary.

So to prove my theory, I’ll give you a couple of likely scenarios of what happens when these steps are done out of order.
In today’s society (let’s be real here), most relationships begin in the genital region. People meet where ever they meet, talk a few times, get to know each other and then it’s straight to the bed (or the back seat). If it’s good, they keep on going and along the way they catch feelings. That takes them to the heart. And by the time they get up to the eyes, they understand that they have absolutely NOTHING in common, and then the arguments and fighting ensue. And then it’s “curtains” for that relationship.
Another example is when people start at the heart and try to work their way around. They’re in love with the idea of being in love so they look for anything and anyone to call their own. They force themselves to believe that they have the head and eyes steps taken care of. But what they’re really doing is turning a blind eye to flaws JUST so they can have someone. This normally ends up with them proclaiming their love for one another within the first month or so. And then the genital area step comes about. This only worsens the effect of the HORRIBLE decision to put the heart step first. They claim that the love is strong just because the sex is good. But eventually, the lack of solid head and heart steps catch up with you. Arguments and fighting ensue, and the relationship usually ends unceremoniously.

I don’t want to close this without first acknowledging the fact that this theory has a small failure rate. In some cases, successful relationships (and even marriages) come about while going out of order with these steps. But let’s not get carried away. If you take the chance of going that route (especially trying to go Bottom-Up), it’s like playing the crap table in Vegas. Oh, you’ll win if you’re lucky, but the odds are stacked strongly against you.

So in closing, there are a few instances where successful relationships come about from using methods other than the “Top-Down Theory”. But this method is just about fail safe. If you want to protect yourself and build a strong solid foundation and have a good chance of being in a lasting and meaningful relationship, the “Top-Down Theory” is definitely the way to go.

Seeking a Co-Signer

Sometimes communication lines can be blurred in relationships. I’m speaking purely about romantic relationships at this point. Sometimes we men can’t find the right words to express the way we feel and the way we try to express it usually leads to, at the least, more confusion or at most, an argument and hurt feelings. So the whole point of this piece is to speak on behalf of men who are in serious relationships/marriages or are thinking about getting into a serious relationship/marriage.
When the question “What is it that you want from me?” is asked by the female of the twosome, normally two things happen depending on the volatility of the relationship: 1- he quickly jumps to the defensive and assumes that you’re attacking his motives for being in the relationship and answers with “I don’t want anything from you.” And 2) He’s so overwhelmed by the abruptness of the question and the amount of things that he actually does want, that he can’t answer that question completely.
From being around serious minded men who are seeking women to enter into long-term relationships, their desires from their ideal mate have ranged from being as simple as being a good friend to as absurd as being able to perform oral sex with the prowess of a street walker. I won’t judge either one of those prerequisites because people like what they like. But a good solid relationship can’t be based on either of those extremes. Good friendship won’t hold you close at night, and by the same token, good oral sex won’t help you when you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one.
So with that being said, there is a myriad of things that a man needs from a loving relationship. Most men at some stage of their lives would like to have the pin-up model type woman on his arm. Some men may desire a woman that knows her way around the kitchen. Some men, despite belief of the contrary, are attracted to and seek women who are in powerful positions (i.e. lawyers, CEO’s, and executives). These men realize that those type of women have to be in charge of everything 8-12 hours a day, and when they come home they’d much rather not have to call all the shots. Some men look for (and this is a very important quality) a woman whose life is based on her faith in GOD. While others seek a woman who he believes will be a great mother to his offspring. But most men seek all of those things in one, and somewhere between all that, maybe good friendship and oral sex fall into the equation.
But what a man NEEDS (note that I didn’t say wants) is simple: a co-signer. Any man who’s worth his salt will hit a wall in pursuit of his destiny. And the ways of dealing with the frustration of hitting that wall will vary from man to man, but the one constant that each of these men will need is a co-signer to get him back on track. A simple, “Baby it’ll be alright. I’m here with/for you regardless of what happens” is like giving superman a shot of steroids. Knowing that his woman has his back in any situation gives any man the confidence to conquer the world. When his closest friends and family won’t be there, as long as his woman co-signs, he’s good to go.
The most important tool that a woman must possess to be a co-signer, though, is a solid belief in something greater than herself. There is perhaps no stronger force than a prayerful wife. Through her righteousness, the co-signer can give her man a spiritual covering that will save him from several traps and even from destroying himself.
(Side note: There’s something to be said about having someone else pray for you. There’s an old story about two fishermen who are shipwrecked and they both end up on separate neighboring islands. One man prayed one prayer as soon as he got on his island and the other man prayed every day. The one that prayed every day got EVERYTHING he asked God for while the other man was there with nothing. So the man who got everything finally prayed for a ship to get him off the island. He got it and was headed away when God stopped him and asked why he wasn’t going to offer his comrade a ride. He said that the man’s faith was weak because he only prayed one time and apparently got nothing that he prayed for. And God replied and told him that the man had gotten everything that he asked for. The one time that he did pray, all he did was ask that his friend get everything that he prayed for.)
There are some cautions on being a co-signer, though. First and foremost, you can’t become one overnight. The right to even be a co-signer comes with serious time and serious trials. A man won’t believe any of your co-signing is genuine unless you have been through tribulations before TOGETHER. And most importantly, you can’t co-sign to EVERYTHING. Being a co-signer comes with responsibility. You cannot be afraid to find a tactful way to tell your man that he is wrong. It happens…often.
In conclusion, there is one thing that should be remembered about being a co-signer. No man will ever tell you this (well… I guess I’m about to), but there’s not a worse feeling in the world than feeling betrayed by his significant other/wife (which will be referred to as co-signer from this point on). The reason is because for us, it doesn’t seem natural to us to show weakness or to share our fears. The only person in the world that we can share that with is our co-signer. We share (sometimes, reluctantly) with her the things that we can’t even share with our CLOSEST friends/brothers/family members. So all the friendship, good looks, oral sex, professional clout, good motherly ways, etc. is just gravy. But the real meat & potatoes that will keep a relationship well-nourished is the co-signer.

T.O. to Dallas

Jerry Jones is a genius. I'm a die-hard 49er fan, so it's my birth rite to hate the Cowboys. However, I can't see WHY in the world so many Dallas fans are trippin about TO coming to Dallas. He makes the Cowboys an INSTANT Super Bowl contender. Forget what he's done off the field. Don't you think that there's some kind of clause in his contract (after all the stuff he did in Philly) that will limit all that extra????? I mean, for real. Have you never seen this dude play?!?!?!? Surely, the Cowboys fans have. In his 5 trips to Texas Stadium on other teams, he's put up 33 catches, over 700 yards receiving and 7 TD's. In 5 games!!!! That's unreal. Especially with the bulk of that coming on a Monday night game in Dallas with 11 catches for 184 yards and 3 TD's. When it gets down to it, the only thing that matters is what goes on between those two chalk lines. And I dare ANYONE to show me a player that plays with as much passion as Terrell does. He plays EVERY down, he plays hurt (check Super Bowl 39), and no matter what's going on off the field, he makes it happen on the field (just watch tape of the Denver game from this past year when the situation with him and Donovan was REALLY brewing).
And the fans care more about that dumb stuff that he does off the field than the players do. Drew Bledsoe's comment about signing T.O. says everything that you need to know. "I just became a better QB without ever throwing a pass." That's what TO brings to Dallas. Everybody's complaining now, but I'll give it 3 weeks before everybody's ready to give him the key to the city.

The Births of the Playa Hata and Neighborhood Superstar

During the turn of the 20th century, there were scholars and revolutionaries on both sides of the color line (Black and White) who were even more divided amongst themselves about the autonomy of Black Americans. You had one side of Black and White scholars who believed that the only way for Black Americans to thrive in America was to allow them to segregate themselves from the rest of the population. That way, none of their culture and ways would be stripped from them. They would be self-sufficient and govern themselves (to an extent, of course) and limit their contact with their White neighbors. On the other side, you had progressive Blacks and empathetic Whites who believed that since Blacks had played a major role in the very construction of this “great nation” then they should reap the same benefits as their Caucasian counterparts. They wanted a fully integrated society where one was judged by the merits of his or her character as opposed to one’s hue of skin. As history will clearly show us, the first group won out for the better part of the century. It wasn’t until after the Civil Rights Era that we started to realize the infinite benefits of the second group’s ideas. This piece will focus on the first group, though, because it was in that group that the Neighborhood Superstar and the Playa Hater were born.
It is naturally embedded in us as human beings to try to be the best at whatever it is that we do. It is human nature to enjoy a pat on the back from time to time. Whether or not either one of us will admit it, we are all (or have been at some point) attention whores. This goes back many centuries. People have always done things to try to draw attention to themselves. But the Black attention whore is a different animal. In the history of man, I don’t think that there has been a race of attention cravers who’ve done it with such style and flash (take Jack Johnson for example). And this is the essence of the Neighborhood Superstar.
Whether they did it willingly or they were forced to, Blacks were generally segregated from the rest of the population. So it became okay to some to excel only to the highest plateau in BLACK America (not America itself). Wealthy was a term used loosely, because looking at it from a broad view, very few (if any) Blacks were wealthy according to the standards of all those who’d owned plantations just a half a century earlier. However, in terms of the people who lived in their neighborhoods, they were indeed rich; a term of endearment still used today, “nigger rich”.
Those who had acquired such wealth were the ones fortunate enough to have access to resources outside of the Black community. And being among the wealthiest in the community was not enough. The fortunate ones had to let everyone in their community know that they were better off than the rest of them and as a consequence of their “wealth” they held more power than them. They had to wear nicer clothes bought from the “White” neighborhoods. They drove finer cars. They lived in nicer houses. Instead of trying to help those less fortunate, they rubbed it in their faces. They took on an attitude of “I got mine. You’ve got to get your own”. Thus, the Neighborhood Superstar was born.
Imagine being one of those people who was a friend of a Neighborhood Superstar before he became a Neighborhood Superstar. When neither of you had anything, you both made sacrifices for each other’s survival and well-being. But as soon as he acquires Neighborhood Superstar status, your friendship means nothing to him. He “buys” new friends, and no longer wants to do the things that you all used to do. Undoubtedly, some discontent toward your former friend will arise within your spirit. The more arrogant and flashy that your ex-comrade becomes, the stronger the discontent becomes. And the Playa Hater (as we know it) is born. I emphasize the “as we know it” because player hating (the bastard child of Hate and Envy) has been going on since Biblical times. Cain is the original player hater. He murdered his brother Abel in a fit of rage because their parents gave Abel more favor. Jacob is the most notorious player hater in history, because of what he did to his brother Esau. He stole this man’s birthright and blessings from their ailing and blind father, Isaac, by tricking him to believe that he was indeed Esau. God later changed Jacob’s name to Israel and an entire nation was born from him (Look at all Esau missed out on). Even those slaves who ratted out the plans of Nat Turner, Denmark Vescey, and various other slaves who tried to organize revolts could be put into a certain class of playa hater: the snitch. But that’s another story entirely.
But the Playa Hater as WE know it, started at the turn of the 20th century in segregated Black societies. Just as the Neighborhood Superstars adopted the attitude of “I got mine. You’ve got to get your own”, the Playa Haters adopted an attitude of their own: “He doesn’t deserve that. I want what he’s got.” And over the years, it (Playa Hatin’) turned into a “crabs in the barrel” syndrome. Every time someone tried to do better for themselves, there was always someone there to look down upon their looming success. Of the two (the Neighborhood Superstar and the Playa Hater), the Playa Hater has expanded itself among many different facets of life. The Playa Hater, today, can be found anywhere from a corporate board room (i.e. an all male staff trying to deny a deserving female an advancement opportunity) to the confines of a relationship (i.e. a woman’s best friend trying to dissuade her from being with a gentleman based solely but not overtly on the fact that that she, herself, is alone).
Even though these two staples of the Black community are a part of our rich culture, they both need to stop. So in closing, I leave words of advice to both the Neighborhood Superstar and the Playa Hater. First to the Playa Hater. To put it simply: STOP HATING!!! All of the energy that you put forth to stop someone else’s joy, could be used to bring joy into your own life. I can almost assure you that you would lead a more meaningful life if you spent the time to help someone rather than hurting them. And finally, to the Neighborhood Superstar, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do better for yourself, but I’d like to share with you this old Chinese proverb to take with you: The nail that sticks out is the one that gets hammered down.

What Makes Me Me

This piece is being written to explain to people why they’ve never seen my drink or smoke. To put it simply, because I don’t do either of the two. I’ve even turned down communion at church because the wine was real. It’s THAT serious. Since I was a child, I’ve always tried to thrive on being different. I never hung out with anyone who was “like me”. Quite a few of my friends growing up were the ones who would grow up to be residents in our state’s correctional facilities or they’d eventually end up pursuing careers in street pharmaceuticals. And I, a clean cut kid from a good home, felt right at home with them. I never tried to do any of the things that they did (i.e. smoking, drinking, stealing, fighting, etc.) and they never tried to influence me to. They respected my stance on all of it. That just wasn’t my thing. And if I would’ve ever tried to do anything like that, I don’t think that they would’ve allowed me to. They understood that what I had going for myself could’ve easily been taken away with one wrong decision.
But ultimately, there is one person who is responsible for me deciding not to indulge in any of those vices. One would assume that it would be my mother, but it’s not. Perhaps a grandparent. Nope. Or was it the guy that graduated from L High as Valedictorian, and went to Chicago, where he smoked with some people he didn’t know, and they laced his joint with PCP, and now he’s legally retarded? Nope. Not him either. It’s not even Nancy Regan, whose anti-drug campaign slogan “Just say no” was at its peak during my wonder years. The person solely responsible for allowing me to resist the temptation of drugs and alcohol goes by the name of Eddie Warrant.
His name was Eddie Warrant, but we simply called him Ed. He lived two houses down from me. That is, of course, if you could call his place a house. It was more like a stack of wood nailed together just to protect him from the weather. From the time I was able to remember anything up until I was 15, I’d never seen Ed sober. He would walk the streets of our tiny community drunk beyond all human reason, and just sing all night. He’d knock on his neighbors’ doors asking them if they could cook a meal for him, because his place didn’t have power, gas, or water or anything else. It was just him. And the crazy thing about it is that Ed would work. He worked all week, and he made really good money. Now being that I’m from a rural area (the country as some of you people who swear to God that you’re from a major metropolis like to refer to it as), there was a lot of work to be done in fields and pastures. That’s where Ed worked. He’d do odd jobs for people who owned farms. And he made really good money from doing it. But once Friday came and he got paid, he had to go and re-up his stash.
This cycle went on for all my early life. But one day during the summer when I was 15 years old, my uncle and a couple of the guys from around the neighborhood were trying to put a radio into a car. Ed just happened to be walking by, and jokingly, we asked if he could come and help. We’d read the instructions, and had been out there since 11 am (it was around 5 pm by now). So Ed came over, and told us EXACTLY what to do with the wiring, and the radio was on and playing in less than 3 minutes. And when he walked off, we all realized that that was the first time that we’d EVER seen that guy sober. Over the next 3 years, before I left for college, I’d sit down and talk with Ed while he was sober, and the brother was deep. He had a really good head on his shoulders. And he’d ruined it all because he couldn’t kick his habit. Unfortunately, the year that I left, liquor started to get a little too weak for him, so as I understand it, now he’s shoving syringes in his veins. One of the things I never got to ask him while we talked was what made him start to depend on the bottle so heavily. And perhaps now, it’s too late.
I’m a firm believer that everything happens according to God’s perfect plan. My father wasn’t around when I was growing up, but there were a lot of men in my community that I would see and mimic until I got just the right mixture of all of them to make me who I am. Ed was not in those ingredients that made me me. Perhaps God put him in my life to show me how NOT to be and what things NOT to do. So I subconsciously made up in my mind very early on that that would NOT be me. On one of the best Southern Rap albums of all time, 8-Ball & MJG’s “On Top of the World”, Memphis-based rapper, 8-Ball, said one of the realest lines to ever be spoken when it comes to how time changes things: “That same brother that used to pimp that ‘fro and wear them stacks, he’s that brother today starving trying to buy some crack.” (think Fast Freddie from “Jason’s Lyric”). And I just could NOT allow that to be me. I know some people say that they can control their drinking binges and they can control how dependent they are on a certain drug. OK. Fine. Do you. But I have a better way of controlling mine: by not doing them at all. And for being able to say that and not really care what someone else thinks, I say THANK YOU EDDIE WARRANT.

Messy Breakups

I recently had a couple of close friends who both went through some really messy breakups. Now they’re both struggling to “pick up the pieces” and get their lives back on track. So I wrote this piece to help anyone else who may be going through a similar situation. I hope it blesses you.

As young adults, we often find ourselves in sticky situations in the relationship department. We allow ourselves to get so caught up in someone else that when their interest, attention, and (most importantly) affection begin to leave, we find ourselves in a tough spot. It’s human nature to be disappointed over a bad investment. And time is the ultimate investment. That’s the only thing in this life that’s impossible to regain once you’ve exhausted it. But there is a good way to look at this all. I’ll highlight some things that one can do to avoid being caught in such an uncomfortable situation. Having been on both sides of this equation more times than I care to mention, I’ve gathered a lot of information over the years. Here goes:

Keep it real – Now that phrase has been used very loosely since its inception. It’s grown to mean a variety of things. But what I mean in this instance is be completely honest. Often, things go sour because one person expects more from a relationship than another one does. In any relationship (business, platonic, romantic) there has to be a set of guidelines set out at the beginning. Both parties involved must know exactly what the other party expects to gain from the relationship. These guidelines must be stated explicitly (but with tact) so there will be absolutely no confusion. For example, if a young lady who’s had a crush on a brother for quite a while finally gets his attention, she’s probably going to want that ‘Romeo & Juliet’ type love affair. The guy, on the other hand, may just want a “9 ½ Weeks” type love affair. So you have to put everything out there from the jump so everyone will be on the same page.
Love Yourself – Before anyone can honestly say that they love someone else, they have to love themselves. It is impossible to love someone else before first loving yourself. And even when you have that part down, you cannot forget that before there was a “you all” there was just “you”. You know how to make yourself happy, and you should continue to make yourself happy. It’s not a good look to depend on someone else to be your source of happiness. If you have to depend on someone else to make you happy, you’re in a truly sad state. Your mate is there to complement your existing joy; “icing on the cake” if you will. And if you and I have the same God, you already know how jealous He can be at times. He doesn’t think too highly of us looking to someone else to do His job.
Come Back Down to Earth – Okay. I often see people losing their minds when a relationship goes bad. “Oh, man. She was the one. How can I live without her?” “God told me that he and I were supposed to be together.” Okay. Stop it. Just stop it. Apparently she wasn’t the one, and you’ll live without her now the same way you did before you met her. And stop lying on God. I didn’t even know he still spoke to us in stereo. When the union goes awry, just charge it to the game and move on. It’s natural to hurt. There will definitely need to be some time to heal depending on how long it lasted. But understand this: Every girl or guy that you meet shouldn’t be dubbed as “the one.” I do believe that there’s someone for everyone, but how do you know that your one isn’t halfway around the world? When “the one” does come, you’ll know it without having to think about it.
Get a Return on Your Investment – Stop saying that you’ve wasted your time when a relationship goes bad. You’ll always get out of it what you put into it. It may not be in the form that you’d like for it to be in, but you’ll get something back. Any time you’re in a relationship for an extended period of time, you’re NOT the same person as you were entering the relationship. Being with your mate changes and molds you in different ways that are often undetectable. But you are a better person for it either way. Embrace those changes as well as all of the positive experiences that you’ve shared with your ex-mate and let it spur you on to be a better person.
Understand Humanity – One of the biggest problems in relationships, especially at our age, is “cheating”. Okay, define cheating. That’s one of the things that should be done at the “keeping it real” stage. In addition to that, the tolerance level for “cheating” must also be established by both parties. That way, there will be no discrepancies involved. If this understanding is breached by either of the parties, one thing that the “cheated upon” party must understand is that the “cheating” party is human. As humans, we make mistakes. In fact, every mistake we make makes us even more human. I should say that in this case though, you don’t want your partner to be TOO humanJ. If it becomes habitual, you have to resort to a vital part of step 3: charge it to the game and let it go.
Get Rid of Your Tunnel Vision – Pay very close attention to this step. It will seem as if I’m contradicting myself, but I’m going to make a point. One of the things that we absolutely hate is when our mate brings baggage into the relationship from their past relationships. It restricts them from giving their full attention to their current situation because they’re still holding on to grudges from their past. This is strongly discouraged. HOWEVER, a little bit of baggage won’t hurt. In fact, it will help. If you’ve been through a rough situation in your past, you’ll feel twice as bad if it happened to you again. You can’t allow yourself to be so in love and so blind that you can’t see signs of the same thing happening again. You have to learn from past mistakes. But I reiterate, keep the baggage to an absolute minimum. Don’t let it dominate your relationship, and don’t allow it to hinder you from loving or being loved. Keep you just enough around to keep yourself from falling into a familiar pit.


And that’s only the beginning of it. However, that’s all that I have time to write at this point. If the spirit so moves me (or if it’s requested) I’ll continue this list at a later date. But in the meantime, if you’re going through a similar situation as my friend or if you’re thinking about entering a serious relationship, take heed to these steps that I’ve just outlined. They could help you to avoid a very stick situation.

© 2005 W. Mack