Messy Breakups

I recently had a couple of close friends who both went through some really messy breakups. Now they’re both struggling to “pick up the pieces” and get their lives back on track. So I wrote this piece to help anyone else who may be going through a similar situation. I hope it blesses you.

As young adults, we often find ourselves in sticky situations in the relationship department. We allow ourselves to get so caught up in someone else that when their interest, attention, and (most importantly) affection begin to leave, we find ourselves in a tough spot. It’s human nature to be disappointed over a bad investment. And time is the ultimate investment. That’s the only thing in this life that’s impossible to regain once you’ve exhausted it. But there is a good way to look at this all. I’ll highlight some things that one can do to avoid being caught in such an uncomfortable situation. Having been on both sides of this equation more times than I care to mention, I’ve gathered a lot of information over the years. Here goes:

Keep it real – Now that phrase has been used very loosely since its inception. It’s grown to mean a variety of things. But what I mean in this instance is be completely honest. Often, things go sour because one person expects more from a relationship than another one does. In any relationship (business, platonic, romantic) there has to be a set of guidelines set out at the beginning. Both parties involved must know exactly what the other party expects to gain from the relationship. These guidelines must be stated explicitly (but with tact) so there will be absolutely no confusion. For example, if a young lady who’s had a crush on a brother for quite a while finally gets his attention, she’s probably going to want that ‘Romeo & Juliet’ type love affair. The guy, on the other hand, may just want a “9 ½ Weeks” type love affair. So you have to put everything out there from the jump so everyone will be on the same page.
Love Yourself – Before anyone can honestly say that they love someone else, they have to love themselves. It is impossible to love someone else before first loving yourself. And even when you have that part down, you cannot forget that before there was a “you all” there was just “you”. You know how to make yourself happy, and you should continue to make yourself happy. It’s not a good look to depend on someone else to be your source of happiness. If you have to depend on someone else to make you happy, you’re in a truly sad state. Your mate is there to complement your existing joy; “icing on the cake” if you will. And if you and I have the same God, you already know how jealous He can be at times. He doesn’t think too highly of us looking to someone else to do His job.
Come Back Down to Earth – Okay. I often see people losing their minds when a relationship goes bad. “Oh, man. She was the one. How can I live without her?” “God told me that he and I were supposed to be together.” Okay. Stop it. Just stop it. Apparently she wasn’t the one, and you’ll live without her now the same way you did before you met her. And stop lying on God. I didn’t even know he still spoke to us in stereo. When the union goes awry, just charge it to the game and move on. It’s natural to hurt. There will definitely need to be some time to heal depending on how long it lasted. But understand this: Every girl or guy that you meet shouldn’t be dubbed as “the one.” I do believe that there’s someone for everyone, but how do you know that your one isn’t halfway around the world? When “the one” does come, you’ll know it without having to think about it.
Get a Return on Your Investment – Stop saying that you’ve wasted your time when a relationship goes bad. You’ll always get out of it what you put into it. It may not be in the form that you’d like for it to be in, but you’ll get something back. Any time you’re in a relationship for an extended period of time, you’re NOT the same person as you were entering the relationship. Being with your mate changes and molds you in different ways that are often undetectable. But you are a better person for it either way. Embrace those changes as well as all of the positive experiences that you’ve shared with your ex-mate and let it spur you on to be a better person.
Understand Humanity – One of the biggest problems in relationships, especially at our age, is “cheating”. Okay, define cheating. That’s one of the things that should be done at the “keeping it real” stage. In addition to that, the tolerance level for “cheating” must also be established by both parties. That way, there will be no discrepancies involved. If this understanding is breached by either of the parties, one thing that the “cheated upon” party must understand is that the “cheating” party is human. As humans, we make mistakes. In fact, every mistake we make makes us even more human. I should say that in this case though, you don’t want your partner to be TOO humanJ. If it becomes habitual, you have to resort to a vital part of step 3: charge it to the game and let it go.
Get Rid of Your Tunnel Vision – Pay very close attention to this step. It will seem as if I’m contradicting myself, but I’m going to make a point. One of the things that we absolutely hate is when our mate brings baggage into the relationship from their past relationships. It restricts them from giving their full attention to their current situation because they’re still holding on to grudges from their past. This is strongly discouraged. HOWEVER, a little bit of baggage won’t hurt. In fact, it will help. If you’ve been through a rough situation in your past, you’ll feel twice as bad if it happened to you again. You can’t allow yourself to be so in love and so blind that you can’t see signs of the same thing happening again. You have to learn from past mistakes. But I reiterate, keep the baggage to an absolute minimum. Don’t let it dominate your relationship, and don’t allow it to hinder you from loving or being loved. Keep you just enough around to keep yourself from falling into a familiar pit.


And that’s only the beginning of it. However, that’s all that I have time to write at this point. If the spirit so moves me (or if it’s requested) I’ll continue this list at a later date. But in the meantime, if you’re going through a similar situation as my friend or if you’re thinking about entering a serious relationship, take heed to these steps that I’ve just outlined. They could help you to avoid a very stick situation.

© 2005 W. Mack